Thursday, June 29, 2006


The overloaded tour bus rolled into the parking lot and came to a noisy stop alongside a fully loaded cattle truck. The forty-some odd head of cattle trapped inside the semi trailer must have been frightened by the air brake discharge, because, in unison, they let loose a mournful lowing that echoed off the rocks surrounding our usually peaceful establishment. Accompanied by this bovine barrage, the bus spilled forth a stampeding herd of, presumably, geriatricly inclined individuals that headed towards the trading post. On they came, sprinting up the steps, pushing and shoving, determined to be first in the bathrooms. At this point, there were no outward signs of arthritis, rheumatism, gout or immobility of any sort with this highly motivated mob.

The Bus & Cattle Truck in Bluff, Utah at Twin Rocks Trading Post

As I witnessed their uninhibited advance, I experienced an epiphany. I deduced that there may be an opportunity for a government research grant. Endorphins produced by exaggerated bladders block pain receptors to the brain which, in turn, cause excitement to the extremities and unhindered free-flow of motion. All we need do is discover the means to artificially recreate that level of stimulated urgency and "Voila!"; a discovery of the fountain of youth as it were!

The flood tide slowly receded as our visitors reemerged from the facilities. The bus driver came struggling up the steps, loaded to the gunwales with canes and walkers. He dumped them in the middle of the large Navajo rug just inside the Kokopelli doors and grumpily departed the scene. My hypothesis was reaffirmed by the fact that, immediately after finishing their business, our visitors regressed to their former fragile condition. They gathered up their stabilization equipment and slowly began to filter through the store in search of trinkets to remind them of their trip.

The group mingled about the trading post, asking prices and feigning heart attacks. I decided I had had enough when one old codger asked me if, at these prices, I ever made a sale. Raising one eyebrow, and looking down my nose at him, I replied, "No, I make all my money on what I charge for the restrooms!" I decided it was time to go on the offensive, and asked the lady loading all the free samples of Nellie's Everything Cream into her purse if anyone had been voted off the bus yet.

The woman "humphed" at me and said, "You have been watching far too much reality TV young man!" I replied that this was possibly true, but I was certain that a group of this size and maturity would produce someone causing dissension and deserving of being left on the roadside. As I quizzed the group, no one would surrender the culprit, but everyone subtly looked in the direction of one crusty looking fellow dressed in green polyester pants and a pink Polo shirt. He was the selfsame man who had out sprinted everyone to the commode and was now using a walker to get around.

Another epiphany! Two in the same day mind you. I could see it clearly, a TV series centered around a motor coach traveling cross-country, stopping at such things as amusement parks, professional wrestling venues and county fairs. The idea, of course, would be to cause as much mayhem and confusion as humanly possible. Those who could not keep pace would be left on the roadside in all manner of dastardly situations with $2.00 in their pocket and a challenge to join the party with Dick Clark in New York City where the winner would ride the ball on New Year's Rockin' Eve. Remember you heard it here first!

My wife has recently informed me that I may need to tread lightly when it comes to sarcastic remarks and publicly expressing my "twisted sense of humor". Spenser, Alyssa and McKale wholeheartedly agree with their mother, openly referring to my wit as humorless. They say that I am much more suited to the Department of Motor Vehicles or the Internal Revenue Service. No matter, I will have the last Snidely Whiplash laugh, because I am about to become rich and famous by landing a lucrative government contract and producing a smash hit television series. Laurie says that this prophecy better come true, since I have so recently limited my options by insulting such a large body of the population, including the AARP, the DMV and the IRS.

With warm regards,
Barry, Steve and the Team.

Copyright 2006 Twin Rocks Trading Post

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